Individuals especially parents addicted to alcohol, cannot meet the emotional needs of their children. Because millions are struggling with addiction, there are also millions of children whose emotions are being neglected.
Children need positive role models when growing and developing and learning how to navigate the world. They need to know how to make good decisions, control impulses, manage relationships appropriately, and become good citizens.
Alcoholic parents cannot teach children these qualities because they, too, are struggling with them.
Studies show that adult children of alcoholics share common traits. Eleven are listed below.
1. Impulsive Behaviors
Many children of alcoholics may agree they can be impulsive when it comes to their personal and professional lives. For some, impulsiveness means buying an item in the store even though they can’t afford it. For others, it means quitting a job on the spot, falling in love after one or two dates, or saying yes every time someone asks you for a favor because you fear they won’t like you.
2. Seek Approval
Children of alcoholics often have difficulty making decisions because they lack confidence in themselves. They fear others will disapprove of them, so they try and make decisions based on that fear. They desire to fit in and belong yet were never taught how to form healthy relationships.
For some, this may mean trying to fit in and get approval from the wrong people.
3. Fear of Abandonment
Many children of alcoholics fear the people they love will leave them, leading them to do almost anything to hold on to the relationship, even an unhealthy relationship. Signs of fear of abandonment include separation anxiety, feeling insecure, continually aiming to please, and latching on to someone quickly.
Some attach to others who aren’t available. For example, falling in love with someone who is already married.
4. Problems With Love
Love is confused and often misunderstood by children of alcoholics. Some find themselves in relationships with those who need rescuing. They want to change or save someone else who is damaged but don’t realize they are the ones who need help. They often put meeting their own needs off to help others.
Oddly, some children of alcoholics find themselves in relationships that resemble the relationship they have with their parents, with those who cannot meet their emotional needs due to an addiction to something else.
5. Can’t Fully Connect
Although they attach quickly and impulsively in relationships, children of alcoholics may find it difficult to truly connect emotionally. They lack trust and fear of being hurt, so they remain closed off as a way to self-protection. Doing so can have a damaging effect on intimacy within a relationship.
6. Victim Mentality
Children of alcoholics often think they are victims of life's circumstances, even when they made specific choices that led them to a situation. For example, they may choose to work a low-paying job but then complain about the pay.
This happens because children of alcoholics feel powerless to improve their lives. They have learned to meet their own needs by always thinking the worst, over-worrying, thinking the world is out to get them, and negative self-talk.
7. High Anxiety
Feeling anxious and on edge is a common trait among children of alcoholics. They weren’t taught how to cope with their emotions and feelings growing up. They have been in survival mode with a heightened sense of worry about what may or may not happen.
Anxiety can affect all areas of life.
8. Do Not Like Change
Routines and structure offer security and stability for adult children of alcoholics, something they did not receive from their parents.
Sudden changes in plans, unexpected breakups, and anything else that makes them feel a loss of control can signal extreme reactions. They may over-react with anxiety, anger, or defiance, but their true feelings are that they do not feel safe and secure in their environment and relationship.
9. Negative Inner Voice
Many people struggle with negative self-talk, but adult children of alcoholics suffer from this problem due to the dysfunction created by their addicted parents. They may even feel they are the cause of all the dysfunction in their family.
Having a low self-worth can make them feel as if they are not fixable, that they are doomed to be this way forever. This type of self-criticism becomes like a repeating audiotape in their heads, lowering self-esteem.
10. Perfectionism
To overcome feelings of inadequacy, adult children of alcoholics may try to "prove their inner voice wrong." They do this by trying to be perfect in everything they do. They become high achievers at work, staying late, taking on extra tasks, and overextending themselves.
They go above and beyond to make unhealthy relationships work because not doing so would seem like a failure. What they may not realize is that seeking perfection is an impossible task that will lead to more significant anxiety, exhaustion, and continuance of a negative emotional cycle.
11. May Not Know There is Help Available
Because one trait of an adult child of an alcoholic is reminding themselves they are not good enough; they may not realize the negative self-descriptions are false. They think they should be able to overcome problems all by themselves. This, too, is false.
Help is available and essential for overcoming the effects of being raised by a parent with an addiction.
Working with a licensed family therapist and building a healthy support system can teach an adult child of an alcoholic to overcome all of the above traits.
If you have a parent who is addicted to substances, you get it. If you find yourself struggling in many areas of your life, your difficulties may be linked to your alcoholic parent’s inability to give you what you needed growing up.
But don’t let their deficiencies keep you from succeeding. Reach out to a licensed family therapist to learn more about how alcoholism affects the whole family and what you can do to overcome the effects of living with an alcoholic parent.