Drug recovery is a trying time for any family. Whether you are struggling with sobriety or a loved one is, the strain of dealing with the emotional pains of early recovery and the stress of reintegrating into regular living after months or years of addiction can be challenging to handle. However, when the goal is long-term sobriety and a happy, emotionally healthy family, then relapse is not an option.
Just like any relationship, communication is key – and hard work. Strains and stressors are normal aspects of living in a tight-knit social relationship, regardless of whether it is a marriage, a household or a dorm. Addiction recovery can be a tough challenge for any relationship, but it is a challenge like any other stressor – and one that can be worked through by being understanding and patient.
Drug and alcohol recovery is best achieved through education, counseling, and support – having a powerful support system on your side is the best way to ensure that you will increase your possibility of motivation and the tools needed to progress in your journey to long-term sobriety. However, just because you may intend to help someone stay sober or clean does not mean that you are necessarily helping.
When Talking to Someone in Recovery
There are a few rules to be wary of when talking to someone while they are in recovery, even if they are a close friend or your partner in life. The most important thing is not to question a person’s recovery. It is not that people in addiction recovery run the risk of becoming rigid believers of one thing or another – they are just learning about their program and new coping skills. Feeding that insecurity can potentially mean you stop someone from making the progress they need to realize what is best for them in their recovery program.
Secondly, do not bring up the past. Especially in relation to addiction. While it is nice to bring up old memories, be conscious of bringing up things that happened during a person’s days in addiction. The context in conversations is important to help someone frame the right type of perspective around the discussion. For example, if you want to talk about the time when your uncle died, a time that was hard for them as well, then try and start the question with “now that you are in recovery,” and frame it around how they feel about it now rather than how they felt back then. This turns a potential flashback to old pains into a moment of reflection, and an opportunity to assess emotional growth and development.
Whenever appropriate, be sure to help someone in recovery feel a bit reassured. Avoid making comments about their recovery specifically. Do not ask how long it will take, or what they are doing to get better. Instead, ask them how it is going at the gym. Whether they have been enjoying writing or painting again. Ask about new hobbies and recent experiences. This is very helpful, as it basically lets you help them reinforce the positivity of these new activities and cements them as viable, important replacements to drugs and alcohol.
Other than that, communicating with someone in recovery is all about including them in regular life. Invite them to gatherings. Cook with them. Give them every opportunity to be a part of the family. There will be times when things get loud when arguments occur when tempers fly. Early recovery is taxing as it is, and any additional stress is like throwing gas into a burning fire. Resist the temptation to judge or throw insults, but be honest when things are being dysfunctional. Do not accommodate a violent sober person – recovery is about being better, not making things worse.
When Talking to Others While in Recovery
It can be intimidating to open up to others while in recovery, even to family, for the simple reason that it is a very private and sensitive matter – but opening yourself up to your recovery group at meetings and other public gatherings will help you feel more connected and trusted. You do not have to pour your heart out all at once when going to meetings or group therapy. Start small, and take it one step at a time.
Outside the context of recovery meetings, joining into other local hobby clubs and meeting new people can be a great way to make new connections, strike up new relationships, and find new places to belong. Redefining yourself and testing the limits of your mind and your body is a great way to help you solidify how little you need drugs to keep on living.
Why Communication is So Important
Communicating with people is the primary way to connect with them. For those in recovery, connection is the most important thing of all. Sobriety cannot be managed when you are simply left to your own devices – especially when loneliness and isolation contribute to addiction.
While we all generally need connection, it is most important to those who feel disconnected from others, and life in general. People in recovery also have a tough time trying to connect with others, which means you often need to take the initiative to engage with your family member or partner and take them up on a conversation.
Early recovery especially comes with a lot of volatile emotions and negative thoughts – feelings of worthlessness and shame are quite common, and they perpetuate addiction by making you feel progressively worse about yourself. To rise above that and get back into a normal life, with a regular family and a steady source of income, many struggling with maintaining sobriety need some outside sign to tell them that they are worth it – they are worth the struggle, worth the effort, worth every second spent in recovery. Few people will come to that conclusion on their own when struggling with addiction, and being part of a strong network of support can help ensure that, even after relapses and other trying times, you can and will overcome this disease and find recovery in your life.