More than ten million men (15%) and women (85%) experience some form of domestic violence every year. When people think of unhealthy relationships, domestic violence may be what comes to mind first. However, many other factors define an unhealthy relationship.
If you are in an unhealthy relationship, your partner wants to control and have power over you. This is accomplished by making you feel scared, worried, unsafe and alone. They work to lower your self-esteem so you won’t leave.
There are obvious warning signs of an unhealthy relationship, like physical, verbal, emotional, and sexual abuse. There are also not-so-obvious signs. However, no two unhealthy relationships will look the same
Below are nine signs of an unhealthy relationship. While these are just a few examples, they are the most commonly recognized signs of abuse.
1. Possessive Controller
During the honeymoon stage of your relationship, red flags signaling abuse are thought of as cute. Jealousy, not wanting to be out of your sight, and preventing you from seeing friends come across as true love. You soon learn, however, that these controlling behaviors do not end but instead get worse.
If your partner checks the mileage on your car, makes you check-in, gives you a curfew, follows you, or uses digital devices to watch or track you, then you are in an unhealthy relationship. Nothing you do can make them feel reassured you are not "misbehaving."
There is another way of controlling you that is just as harmful, through non-commitment.
2. Defiant and Unreliable
Unhealthy relationships may have one person who does not like to be told what to do. They use their defiance to control you. You tell them something needs to be done, they agree, they purposefully do not do it.
Their unreliable behaviors prevent you from hanging out with friends, going to work on time, and enjoying activities outside the home. When confronted, they let you know no one can tell them what to do. Unfortunately, this is true. Confrontations, even when you are not confrontational, can lead to explosions of anger.
3. From Zero to Sixty to Silence
Many people struggle with anger issues. Some people can go from zero to sixty, from calm to rage, without warning. After the rage, they may spend days ignoring you and giving you the silent treatment. This can be frightening if you are in a relationship with this person. You do not know what to expect, and you feel like you must walk around on eggshells to avoid causing another outburst.
This is an unhealthy relationship. Your partner is supposed to make you feel safe, even when you argue. They are supposed to take responsibility for their actions, not blame you. They are good at twisting conversations and thoughts until you start to feel guilty, even if you did nothing wrong.
4. Twist and Deflect
Ever been in an argument with your spouse about something he or she did wrong, and by the end of the conversation, you are the one apologizing? If so, you are in an unhealthy relationship with a partner who knows how to turn the spotlight off themselves and onto you; they deflect.
They rarely apologize, if ever, because they do not see themselves as guilty. They blame everything that happens on someone else. During a disagreement, this person will do what they can to take the pressure off. If that means changing the subject altogether by asking questions unrelated to your conversation, they do it.
They can make you feel guilty in the process.
5. Control by Guilt
When your partner continually makes you feel guilty, you are in an unhealthy relationship. They are too afraid to come right out and tell you how they think about something, so they use passive-aggressive techniques to get you to do what they want you to do.
Guilt tactics can range from mild to severe, from “but we will cry for days if you leave” to “I will kill myself if you leave." They are very manipulative. They think of themselves as smarter than everyone else. They may even convince you of the same.
6. Smarter Than Everyone
In an unhealthy relationship, you may have a partner who does not accept advice, criticism, or any input from you. That is because they do not want you to feel your opinion is worth anything. They want you to believe they are smarter and superior. This is their way of lowering your self-esteem to make you feel like you need them to survive. If you think this way, you will not leave them, which is their ultimate goal.
7. Blackmailing
People can be held hostage, and so can relationships. Blackmailing techniques are sure signs of an unhealthy relationship. Examples of blackmailing including threatening you with the public release of private information (nude photos, financial secrets, family issues) if you don’t stay with them or do what they say.
Blackmailing can be done for opposite purposes too. They will threaten you by saying they will end your relationship if you don’t change or do what they want at the moment. To keep your relationship intact, you adapt to please them.
Eventually, you start to feel helpless, stuck, and alone.
Additional Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship
In an unhealthy relationship, your partner can exhibit any or all the above behaviors. They may also belittle you to make you feel unworthy and obtain a lack of trust. They may sabotage any successes you have at work or home. They don’t want you feeling good about yourself and your accomplishments.
If you feel unhappy most of the time like you cannot be yourself, exhausted, resentful, and in a constant battle with your spouse, you are in an unhealthy relationship.
You don’t have to be, though. There are steps you can take to become healthy again, whether that means leaving the relationship or improving it.
Start by working with a licensed individual therapist who is also licensed to provide marriage and family counseling. Together, you can figure out the steps that will create change in your relationship.