Premarital counseling is an underrated blessing to many couples. It takes less time than other forms of counseling but offers more benefits. Premarital counseling is seeking the help of a therapist before getting married to strengthen your relationship. It’s where you learn essential skills to help you navigate the ups and downs of life as a team.
You may think there is no way your relationship could get any stronger, that your love for one another will get you past any obstacles, and that you will be together until death. It would be fantastic if love is all you need. However, statistics show this is not the case. Couples who stay together have marriage skills that improve their odds, and fortunately, they are not a secret.
Marriage Skills
The skills you bring to a marriage can either be positive or negative. They can draw you closer to your spouse or separate you. Skills of any kind are learned behaviors, whether you learned them through role models or received training. Beneficial marriage skills include:
Communication
Conflict resolution
Long-term intimacy
Self-care
Teamwork
Compassion
Forgiveness
Showing appreciation
Boundaries
Financial management
Healthy living
There are several ways to learn marriage skills, and counselors utilize different methods.
Types of Premarital Counseling
When searching for the right premarital counselor for your relationship, it’s essential to check their professional background. At a minimum, they should hold an up-to-date marriage and family therapy license, and their education should be from an accredited university.
You will likely find therapists use a combination of premarital counseling methods, like the following:
1. The Gottman Method
Why wait to make your relationship strong? That’s the question behind The Gottman Method regarding premarital counseling. They theorize that all the small decisions you make in your relationship can strengthen or weaken it. Therefore, improving your decision-making skills before your wedding gives you a stronger foundation.
Areas of focus include problem-solving, admiration, connection, communication, and building love maps that help you get to know your spouse better.
2. Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Bonding and strengthening your bond throughout your marriage makes you a team rather than two individuals living together without becoming codependent. Addiction, long-term illness, infidelity (financial or romantic), and traumatic experiences can leave you feeling insecure, confused, and alone.
Emotionally focused therapy teaches you de-escalation, restructuring, and consolidation. These skills help you regulate emotions, improve bonds, and empathize with your partner’s needs.
3. Solution Focused Therapy (SFT)
If you and your future spouse are still dwelling on an issue and can’t seem to resolve it, solution-focused therapy can help. It can also help you reach short-term goals by overcoming problems preventing you from moving forward. SFT can help in making important decisions, like which in-laws should be invited to the wedding, to more serious marital issues like finding the right amount of intimacy to satisfy you and your partner.
4. Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
Commitment issues, lack of trust, intimacy problems, and codependency are a few examples of relationship issues likely caused by childhood experiences. The traumas and adverse events you survive growing up can impact your mental health and your relationships with others. Imago Relationship Therapy helps you get to the root problems and work through them to avoid affecting your marriage.
5. Psychodynamic Premarital Couple’s Therapy
Psychodynamic therapy is based on the theory that all behaviors have an underlying cause. There is a reason you think, feel, and do the things you do or don’t do. Figuring out the underlying cause helps you recognize unhealthy thoughts and behavior patterns so you can make changes.
6. Behavioral Couples Therapy (BCT)
You teach people how to treat you. People teach you how to treat them. You’ve likely heard these statements before, and both are very true. If you set healthy boundaries, you teach others they cannot disrespect or abuse you. There are many ways to reinforce positive behaviors you can learn in Behavioral couples therapy.
All couples have issues, some individual and some together. An example is if one or both of you have a substance use disorder. Because recovery from addiction means substituting unhealthy behaviors for healthy ones, BCT is an effective method.
7. Discernment Counseling
Not all couples planning to get married are convinced getting married is the right thing to do. Sometimes one person is excited and eager to marry while their partner is hesitant and ready to call the whole thing off.
Discernment counseling will explore the reasons for uncertainty about the relationship. A therapist will also help you examine all options before deciding to end the relationship or move forward. Answers don’t always have to be all or nothing.
Do You Need Premarital Counseling?
Realistically, every couple can benefit from premarital counseling. Too often, counseling is given a bad reputation and is stigmatized. People think there must be something wrong if you need counseling. However, this is not true.
Seeking premarital counseling shows strength and motivation to succeed. Even if everything is perfect in your relationship right now, you can’t foresee life-changing events that will occur. Your response to those events can make or break your relationship.
Premarital counseling is about getting to know your spouse on a deeper level. Answer the following question to determine if you could benefit from premarital counseling.
How well do I know my spouse?
Explore this question with the following topics that affect all marriages:
Parenting style
Finances and saving money
Planning for retirement
Education
Marriage goals
Infidelity
Religion
Disciplining children
Handling conflicts
Expectations
Career goals
Where will you live
In-laws
Add to this list any other area you think will be important in your marriage. Successful ventures are those that begin with planning and preparation, including marriages.
Start Today
Be proud of yourself and your partner for taking steps to learn skills that will strengthen your marriage. You can start the process today by calling or messaging them online. Most therapists can meet in-person or online initially to discuss the process and the various types of premarital counseling.