Healthy relationships consist of two independent individuals with mutual trust, respect, and effort. You communicate well, work together to resolve conflicts, and can compromise when making decisions. When asked to describe your relationship, you talk about good and bad traits and how you make them work.
Codependent relationships consist of two individuals, but one of you is dependent on the other emotionally. When asked to describe your relationship, you describe your partner using only positive characteristics. You describe your relationship as if you are one person. All your answers reflect the preferences of your partner. For example, you listen to their music, hang out with their friends, eat the foods they love, and travel to places they want to go.
Essentially, you rely on your loved one to determine your happiness. You become enmeshed in their life. You put their well-being above your own and make decisions based on how you think your partner will feel or react.
Types of Codependent Relationships
Codependency can occur in relationships, including romantic, parent-child, extended family, friendships, and coworkers. The same principles of codependency can apply no matter which type of relationship you have.
With friendships, codependency behaviors include saying “yes” to activities you don’t enjoy because you fear disappointing your friend, getting their help in making decisions for your life, and neglecting other friends or family to be with them.
Codependency behaviors at work are when you feel you cannot say “no” to your coworker or boss because you want to please them. Even when their requests or demands are outrageous or unethical, you follow through. You may even make excuses for them when facing criticism or misbehaving.
Other Signs of Codependency
There are some common signs of codependency. If you recognize yourself in any of the below descriptions, it may be time to reach out to a counselor who can help you break free. Signs include the following:
You struggle with boundaries
You feel like you are running their life because they need your help
You try to please others so they will like you
You feel underappreciated
You take many things personally
You often feel like a victim
You use shame or guilt to control someone else
You fear rejection
You hate confrontation and avoid it whenever possible
You accept verbal or physical abuse from others
You have low self-esteem
You do more than your share of work at home, school, and job
Codependency Confusion
You may be thinking not all codependency behaviors are bad. Growing up, you are taught to put others before yourself, work hard, avoid selfishness, and so on. It’s essential to recognize the difference between being a good person and codependent.
The difference lies in where the primary focus is set. Codependency is self-fulfilling, and you are the main focus. Being kind and caring is when the focus is on the needs of others. An example of codependency is when you cook your partner’s favorite meal even though you can’t stand it because you fear they will be mad at you or leave you if you don’t. This is a self-centered action. You want to ensure your emotional needs are met.
Another example is when you bake your neighbor’s favorite cake and surprise them with it for no reason except to make them smile. If they don’t like it, your feelings will not be hurt. You don’t expect anything in return. After dropping off the cake, you don’t worry if they like it, and you don’t keep score of who has done the most for the other.
Breaking Free from Codependent Relationships
Codependency is a learned behavior, like a habit. To break free, you must learn to replace your codependent thoughts, feelings, and actions with healthy ones. Below are tips to help you change.
Be honest with yourself when determining if you are in a codependent relationship. This may be challenging because you don’t want to see your relationship as unhealthy or that it needs to end. However, you must view yourself truthfully so you can make positive changes.
Meet with a licensed couple’s counselor who can teach you about healthy relationships, build self-esteem, set relationship goals, set boundaries, and become independent. A counselor can help you get to the root cause of your codependency, like past trauma, address it, and move forward.
Implement self-care techniques, which may feel awkward at first because you never make your needs a priority. You may not realize that if you are unhealthy mentally or physically, you are limited on what you can give to others. The healthier you are, the more kindness you can spread.
Stop taking control. Your normal reaction when you see someone struggling is to take over and solve the problem. Being out of control makes you uneasy, but the world will keep going if you don’t fix the problem every time. When you start letting go of the need to control, you will feel less stressed.
Let your guard down emotionally. Codependency can cause you to avoid revealing much about yourself and close off others to avoid getting hurt. Instead, start allowing people to get to know you better. Don’t just share the positive, funny stories. Be vulnerable, and don’t be afraid to share hardships. Doing so can bring you closer rather than separate you.
Breaking free can start today with small steps. Make a list of small things you can do each day to break free of codependency. Your counselor can guide you in creating this list. Even if you accomplish one task a day, you are making progress. You can add self-care activities, things to boost self-esteem, learning new hobbies or skills, ways to avoid taking control of a situation, or saying no to an activity you don’t want to do without feeling guilty.
You deserve a healthy relationship where two independent people work together to create a long-lasting union.