Stonewalling, gaslighting, ghosting and many other words can be used to describe communication fails. Ghosting means cutting all contact with someone without giving them a warning, like vanishing or becoming a ghost. Gaslighting is a way of manipulating someone through communication with the intent of making you doubt yourself, your mental health, and your worth.
Stonewalling is when you or your partner shuts down communications and refuses to talk. People may joke about getting "the silent treatment" from their spouse. The silent treatment is stonewalling, and it can hurt.
Every couple experiences communication problems. Occasionally, someone will leave the room, slam the door, and escape to a different place to calm down. Eventually, you come back together to finish the conversation. It is okay to take a break during an argument or heated discussion as long as you receive closure later. Otherwise, you experience stonewalling.
It is like building an invisible wall between you because you feel overwhelmed or threatened. Stonewalling is often used as a defense mechanism but is also a form of abuse, even if done unintentionally. This tactic is unhealthy for a relationship for many reasons, some of which are mentioned below.
Stonewalling Prevents Information Processing
When communicating with someone, a series of processes occur, including listening, watching, empathizing, reflecting, and problem-solving. All these come to a halt the moment someone stonewalls the conversation. This can lead to confusion and frustration.
You are prevented from processing your thoughts and feelings, but you cannot process your spouse's either. You are left with the feeling that there is unfinished business, making it hard to move forward emotionally.
Stonewalling Affects Physical Health
If you are the one being stonewalled, you are left in a constant state of physiological distress. You feel stressed, which means your heart rate and breathing are higher than usual. They may lead to a release of cortisol, a stress hormone linked to obesity, and eventually, cardiovascular diseases. It may also lead to musculoskeletal problems like backaches.
Stonewalling Affects Psychological Health
If you are being stonewalled, you feel devalued and unworthy. Negative thoughts can become obsessive, and you start believing what you say to yourself. This leads to depression and anxiety. Your self-esteem takes a big blow each time they refuse to talk to you. Stonewalling can mimic abuse, and instead of taking care of yourself, you may develop codependency traits.
Also, stonewalling can make you feel hurt, betrayed, and angry. As these emotions build and the longer they go unresolved, the greater the damage psychologically.
Stonewalling Can End a Relationship
Healthy communication is one of the most critical factors of a relationship. Without it, trust and intimacy disappear. Over time, stonewalling creates a huge division between you and your spouse. Some may seek connections with people outside the marriage, leading to infidelity. Or you or your spouse, even if they are the one stonewalling, may decide to end the relationship.
Examples of Stonewalling
The Gottman Institute reports that 85% of stonewalling is done by men in the relationship. That should not excuse the other 15%, however. No matter which behaves this way, another person is impacted. Both male and female stonewallers may use one or more of the following stonewalling actions in the middle of a conversation:
Walking away entirely from the conversation
Placing attention elsewhere, like on a work project instead of the conversation
Answering calls, texts, or emails while your partner is trying to communicate
Engaging a different person in conversation and ignoring you
Responding with "I am fine" or "nothing is wrong"
Pretending not to hear you speak
Dismissing or minimizing your need to communicate and express your emotions
Other elements of stonewalling include being defensive, being unable to admit you are wrong, avoiding your spouse because you know they want to communicate, and not responding to other forms of communication they send, like texts, calls, or nonverbal cues. You may also hide your true thoughts and feelings to avoid being honest with your spouse.
In addition, stonewalling can include behaviors such as twisting your words, so the blame is placed on someone else, changing the subject, and passive-aggressive responses.
How to Stop Stonewalling
If a stonewaller wants to change, they can. You can take many steps to improve communication and avoid a shutdown. Take breaks when you notice pre-stonewalling reactions, like when they start pacing, breathing heavily, or raising their voice. Peaceful and calm communication is the goal and taking a break can help you avoid escalation.
What the stonewaller does during the break matters. Some men and women will find ways to calm down, improve their mood, and think of healthy solutions. Other men and women will fester on their spouse's faults, and when they return to the conversation, it only gets worse. During the break, you must focus on soothing yourself, relaxing your mind, remembering why you love your spouse and preparing to resolve the conflict peacefully.
Couples Counseling to Stop Stonewalling
Marriage and family counselors are an excellent resource for learning more about what it means to stonewall in a relationship. They can teach you how to recognize signs of stonewalling and prevent your conversations from getting to that point. Techniques you can learn may include:
Self-care for mental and physical health
Stress-management
Trigger recognition
Listening and reflecting
Making "I" statements
Anger management skills
Forgiveness
Finally, the moment you start having negative thoughts, you will learn to replace them with positive ones. This is crucial because thoughts lead to feelings, and feelings lead to behaviors.
These are just a few of the hundreds of elements of a healthy relationship. You can also learn about other toxic communication styles and how to avoid them. The Gottman Institute reports four kinds: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
Toxic communication styles can occur between parents and children, siblings, coworkers, friendships, etc. Marriage is not the only relationship affected by stonewalling.
Start tackling these issues today by reaching out to a licensed marriage and family therapist. Your relationship deserves it. Your family deserves it.