Pre-marital counseling can benefit all couples preparing to spend the rest of their lives together. Research shows those who participate in pre-marital counseling have lower divorce rates, lower relationship conflict, and better relationship quality.
Pre-marital counseling may even prevent the need for post-marital counseling since you will be learning the essential relationship tools before your wedding. Many people avoid pre-marital counseling because everything is great when you are dating. You fight less, compromise more, and both want to please the other. You feel that no matter what the issue, your love is so strong you will be able to work through it.
Divorce rates are at their highest ever, confirming that love is not always enough and that people change after marriage. Not because the love is gone, but because life changes. Without knowing how to handle life’s ups and downs, a divide may appear.
Pre-marital counseling allows you to truly get to know one another before the wedding to develop a plan, as a team, for how to handle life’s obstacles after marriage. A few weeks in pre-marital counseling offers benefits for many years.
So, what types of questions and topics do you discuss with a marriage counselor? Below are six common premarital counseling questions to explore during therapy.
1. What Do You Expect When It Comes to Sex?
Whether you are currently having sex or waiting until you are married, you likely have different expectations regarding sex. One may want daily intimacy, while the other may wish for weekly intimacy. One of you may be spontaneous, while the other likes to plan. These are issues that may not appear early in your marriage, but after having children, working overtime, and under financial stress, you may notice changes in intimacy.
2. What Do You Expect When It Comes to Religion or Spirituality?
Religious and spiritual diversity can feel interesting and exciting when you are dating. You get to explore other religions and try out new spiritual practices. You appreciate the differences between you and your partner.
But after marriage, when you are supposed to join as one, will you choose your religion or your spouse’s? When you have children, will you teach them spirituality or want to attend a church as a family?
It’s imperative to compare religious or spiritual concepts that may not seem like a big deal now but later can cause a fight. For example, what do you and your partner’s religion say about circumcision, baptism, or even divorce?
3. What do You Expect When It Comes to Having Children?
Having a large family sounds great until you have had one or two and realize there can be struggles physically, emotionally, and financially. Is your spouse okay with stopping at two, or will they persist in having more? If you were raised as an only child and your spouse was raised with multiple siblings, you will likely have different desires about the number of children you have for your family. Settling these issues before getting married can save a lot of frustration when it is time to start, or stop, trying for babies.
4. What Are Your Financial Goals?
Finances are one of the main reasons for divorce in America. It would help if you discussed who will work and who will stay home with the children. Will you both work and pay for childcare? What are your annual financial goals? How do you each feel about saving money, spending money, and generosity?
Many couples are not on the same page when it comes to finances. They have no plan and end up in significant financial debt, which leads to stress and arguments. Developing a financial plan with a marriage counselor gives you an edge in your marriage. Together, you can learn how to handle your finances as a team, participating and contributing to reaching your family goals.
5. How Do You Fight?
Every couple on the planet has disagreements and arguments. Some have knockdown drag-outs even though they are unnecessary when you learn how to fight the right way. Conflict resolution is an evidence-based process that allows you both to be heard and work together to develop a solution. You do not have to engage in name-calling, yelling, screaming, or physical abuse to get what you want. There is a better way and learning how to argue before marriage will prevent many hurt feelings, negative emotions, and regretful actions.
6. What Roles Do You Play in the Marriage?
Every family member plays a role. Not like an acting role, but one where each person has responsibilities and expectations of how they contribute to the family. Examples of roles include launderer, cleaner, cook, carpool driver, moneymaker, student, caregiver, trip planner, etc. Roles may overlap, like everyone can do their laundry and clean their rooms. Knowing what you expect before marriage gives you time to negotiate roles if necessary.
A typical role problem is who will work outside the home and stay home with the young children? Depending on how you were raised, you may have different ideas on who will do what.
Additional Topics To Explore in Pre-Marital Counseling
If you get the important topics covered, that’s okay. Learning those will help you overcome all other issues. But if you want to explore more, here are a few suggestions:
Where do you want to live? Will you ever want to move?
Whose family will we visit on holidays?
How close to the family do you want to live?
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
How do you like to be shown appreciation?
How do you feel about gifts and celebrations of important events?
How do you want to make significant and minor decisions?
If you are considering marriage, consider pre-marital counseling. It can be a fun process of getting to know each other better. Your marriage deserves this healthy form of attention and the benefits you receive.
Working with a licensed marriage and family therapist can begin anytime, like today.