Communication, or lack of good communication, is a common problem in relationships. Poor communication can lead to a breakdown and break up of your marriage because communication affects all aspects of your life and relationship.
You cannot experience true intimacy without communication. You cannot work through conflicts appropriately without good communication skills. As a result, your partnership may struggle to grow and thrive.
The good news is that there are many exercises you and your loved one can do to improve communication skills.
Think of communication skills as protective armor against possible separation or divorce. If you and your spouse spend just a few minutes a day engaged in superficial conversation, you are not well protected. On the other hand, if you learn and implement skills for listening, anger management, conflict resolution, nonverbal language, and even how to text or email, your relationship can gain strength.
Working with a licensed marriage and family therapist can give you all the skills you need to improve communication and bring you and your spouse closer. Therapists use many different exercises to do this, and several examples are detailed below. You can start practicing these exercises today.
Defining Communication
One of the first exercises to help couples is to define communication. You will likely have two different definitions. It is also likely your first response will be a definition, including what your spouse does wrong or how they have failed at communication.
To avoid this, the instructions for this activity are to define communication without talking about your spouse, but rather, list all the ways you communicate in your relationship. Examples may include verbally, by text, phone calls, body language, post-it notes, etc.
Then, discuss which methods are preferred, effective and ineffective, and what you both need from the other when communicating. Finally, develop a definition of communication that is unique to your relationship, that you both agree upon, and that will enhance your relationship. Post this definition somewhere in your home that you can both see daily.
High-Low Communication
The high-low exercise helps you and your spouse break the ice at the end of a long day. It is so easy to go home after work, wind down for an hour or two, and go to bed without having a meaningful conversation with your loved one. You are tired. You spent all day talking to people. You want to relax.
Communication can help you relax, believe it or not. Before you go to bed each night, take turns discussing the highs and lows of your day. When your spouse is speaking, pay close attention and offer support and encouragement, and vice versa.
Write a Letter to Your Spouse
Written communication has been around for centuries. However, modern communication that includes texts and emails has hindered the ability to fully express yourself or show emotion through words.
For this exercise, you and your spouse are tasked with writing letters to one another. They can be love letters, appreciation letters, or your hopes and dreams for your relationship.
A fun twist on this exercise is to start a letter with a question or a statement, pass it to your spouse, who will respond, and continue by asking you a question or making a statement. Keep passing the letter back and forth. Your written communication skills will improve, and you may end up with a book to pass on to your children.
Future Goal Setting
You are a couple, and it is important to be on the same page regarding your future. The first step in this exercise is to write your relationship's short-term and long-term goals independently. Then, share them with each other. Finally, spend time discussing differences and similarities.
Then, create goals together by combining, compromising, revising, or adding to your lists. Keep the goals balanced, with each of you contributing and getting what you want.
Find Your Partner’s Love Language
Dr. Gary Chapman founded the five love languages. The premise is that every person has a preferred way of feeling loved. For example, some feel loved when you hug them or during sex. Others feel loved when you help them clean the house. Yet still, some feel most loved when you share your love and appreciation for them on your social media page.
Discover each of your love languages and then start implementing them.
Reflect and Repeat
One key component of positive communication is listening to what your partner is saying with empathy and respect. You hear so well that you feel their emotion and can reflect how you think they are feeling. You can also repeat what they have said because you intently focused on their words.
To properly listen, reflect, and repeat, your undivided attention must be given. You should avoid being on the computer or smartphone, and avoid watching television or being engaged in another activity.
Don’t Speak
This exercise helps you learn to communicate without speaking. Agree only to use nonverbal cues to communicate with one another for minutes, hours, or a day. You can only use eye contact, body language, facial expressions, and props if needed.
Interview Marriage Therapists
It’s okay to get help improving communication in your relationship. Licensed marriage and family therapists are qualified relationship educators and have helped many couples overcome different obstacles.
Too often, one person in the relationship chooses the therapist while the other shows up for the appointments. Then they are surprised when they do not like the therapist.
Make choosing the right therapist a communication exercise. You have every right to interview multiple therapists before deciding on the right one. You get numerous estimates for car repairs and home repairs. It only makes sense to interview for the most important thing, your marriage.
Create a checklist together. Interview, evaluate, and rank the therapist together. Decide together. Then, heal your relationship together. In the meantime, have some fun working on communication improvements.