You have probably read all the statistics supporting the use of marriage counseling. You may have read blogs and articles telling you the benefits and advantages of seeking help from a marriage counselor. You may even have friends who have attended marriage counseling with their spouse and highly recommend it for all couples.
What you may not have been taught yet is how marriage counseling works.
Learning the mechanics of marriage counseling helps you understand what to expect at each stage of the process. When you know how marriage counseling works, you can avoid unrealistic disappointments – like when your spouse is not “fixed” after the first visit.
Marriage counseling starts with you and your partner. More specifically, your motivation to get help.
Motivation for Help
The Gottman Institute reports the effectiveness of marriage counseling is directly related to the motivation of each partner in a relationship. If you want to work on your marriage, but your spouse does not see anything wrong with your relationship, marriage counseling will be difficult, but not impossible.
However, if you are both motivated, you can see great rewards in your relationship with the use of counseling. Even if you are not on the same page at first, do not let that stop you from setting up an appointment with a marriage counselor. Here is what happens next.
The First Meeting
The first meeting with a marriage counselor is a time of getting to know one another. The first few sessions are when you build trust and become comfortable sharing information about your relationship.
While you may develop a treatment plan and set goals with your counselor, solving all your marital problems will not happen.
The number of sessions you and your spouse attend will vary based on the needs of your relationship.
The Following Sessions
Some couples attend five marital counseling sessions and have successfully resolved their issues. Other couples need ten or more sessions.
The number of sessions will also depend on how well you participate in the process.
Your marriage counselor will use various techniques and counseling methods, tailored to the issues present in your relationship. Your participation is the key to success. Your counselor may also give you assignments to try at home, to practice what you have learned during the counseling session.
For example, if your counselor teaches you how to improve communication, you will likely want you to practice improving your communication skills.
Individual Counseling
While couples counseling offers you the safe space to talk about your thoughts and feelings, and to be heard by the therapist and your spouse, you may need a little more time.
Marriage counselors often meet with you and your partner individually, as well as together. They do this because each of you has separate issues that apply only to you. For example, you may have been a victim of abuse as a child that you have not dealt with yet. Not dealing with past abuse can affect your current relationship. You may not trust others, or you may have become abusive over time.
Individual therapy can help you focus on the issues specific to you that may be hindering your marriage today.
Family Therapy
Marriage counseling can also involve you and your entire family, not just you and your spouse. If you are struggling with parenting issues, your therapist may want to meet with you and your children to discuss family roles and dynamics. It can be useful to hear from children how they perceive the family and their role within the family.
Family therapy is beneficial in that it teaches all of you how to work as a team. You learn to tackle problems as a united group, all on the same side. For example, if one of your family members is addicted to drugs or alcohol, your marriage counselor can teach you how to get help for your loved one properly. You can also learn appropriate boundaries, so the addict does not have a negative influence over your life or other family members.
Do You Need Marriage Counseling?
Now that you know how marriage counseling works, you may be wondering if you need it or try to figure things out on your own. Here are some questions to ask yourself. Answering yes to any one of these questions suggests marriage counseling may help your relationship.
Are you and your spouse having the same argument over and over? Do you disagree about how to parent your children? Do you feel like you are two ships who pass in the night and do not spend much time together enhancing your relationship? Has something significant happened in your relationship (an affair, addiction, tragedy, etc.)?
Aside from these, couples may also face the following issues, signaling a need for counseling: uncontrollable anger outbursts, untreated physical problems, untreated mental health problems, same-sex relationship issues, intimacy, boundaries, unemployment, blended families, infertility and the number one issue, finances.
There are times when marriage counseling will be challenging until other problems are also addressed. One example is if you or your spouse is currently in the throes of an addiction. Substance abuse is a competitor in your relationship, fighting for the attention of the addict. When addiction becomes a non-issue, relationship counseling can be more successful as the addict moves into recovery and becomes available to join you in building a healthy relationship.
Another example of a competing factor is an affair. If one of you is still participating in an affair outside of your marriage, it is most helpful to end the affair before beginning to try to save your marriage.
If one of you is completely unwilling to change or be open-minded about change, counseling will be difficult.
The truth is, every couple can benefit from relationship counseling, and the sooner, the better. Premarital counseling is often recommended to help couples get on the same page from the beginning. Doing so means you are not surprised by something you were not aware of initially. Surprises can sometimes lead to trouble.
Marriage counseling works. If you are ready to give it a try, make the call today. Your relationship deserves the benefits you can get through pre-marital or marital counseling.