Fine lines exist everywhere, like the one between assertiveness and arrogance or the one between self-care and feeling guilty for putting yourself first. Other fine lines exist between being independent and codependent.
Crossing these lines often happens throughout our lives. We are taught to focus more on giving, especially when it comes to respect and love. We are encouraged to be selfless, which leads to feelings of guilt when taking time to do something nice for ourselves.
It’s easy for people to form habits like these. Unfortunately, these seemingly positive habits can turn into codependent traits for some. Codependency habits can develop into an addiction.
It's vital to understand codependency and if you struggle with codependent habits, know how to break them.
What Is Codependency?
Have you ever gone above and beyond to help your spouse, and in return, you did not even get a thank you? Did this lack of acknowledgment make you feel resentful?
Do you ever feel guilty or worry that others will see you as a bad person if you aren’t helping others, even if you know you should spend time caring for yourself?
Do you find yourself wanting to control the behaviors of others? Or, pretend everything at home is alright when in reality, you are dealing with dysfunctions such as addiction or abuse?
These behaviors are examples of how codependency takes shape in everyday life. It is not something that forms overnight. It can take many years filled with traumas and other mental health issues that have yet to be resolved but that have affected your self-worth and self-esteem.
What Causes Codependency?
Codependency can be inherited or learned from what you witnessed or lived growing up. If your parents had a codependent relationship, you might repeat those behaviors simply because that is all you have known.
Living with parents who are addicted may cause you to take on more of a parent role in your household. This can lead to codependent relationships. You are forced into the role of a child, supporting your parents' childlike behaviors. You become robbed of your childhood.
Codependency happens when you search for your identity and your self-esteem in other people. You become attached to another person and depend on them to make you feel valuable and worthy. Over time you learn that rarely do they make you feel this way, however.
There are more specific characteristics of someone in a codependent relationship.
Codependent Characteristics
Someone in a codependent relationship will find it hard to see themselves as an independent person. Meaning, they always see themselves and the other person as a unit. They may feel responsible for the feelings and actions of their loved ones. And when asked about their feelings, they may have trouble identifying them. They may also have a hard time making decisions. Feeling validated and appreciated is essential to a codependent. This may be because a lot of effort goes into them trying to please others. The least someone could do is to recognize this effort.
They likely won’t express their hurt or disappointment for fear of the other person getting angry and disliking them.
Codependency can be exhausting and troubling for both parties. There are things you can do, though, to change, heal and grow your relationship.
The first step in becoming less codependent is essential. It is this step that will help you complete all the other steps. It is seeking professional help from a licensed specialist in the field of codependency.
Codependency Counseling
Some of the reasons you behave in codependent ways are subconscious ones. They have developed over your lifetime and have become a part of your personality. You may not even know what the reasons are. A licensed codependency therapist can help you figure out the why behind your thoughts, feelings, and actions.
Licensed counselors can help you objectively analyze your past experiences and relationships that may have lead to codependency. Then, together, you can learn how to change. The first change to make will be improving your self-esteem through self-care and mindfulness.
Learn Self-Care
Self-care does not mean selfishness. It is just the opposite. Without self-care, you are not able to truly help someone else. Self-care involves ensuring your physical and mental health are healthy.
Self-care often means being mindful of what your body needs and then meeting those needs. With your counselor's help, you can discover the right mindfulness techniques that help you pay attention to and understand yourself.
Once you know your unmet needs, you and your counselor can create a treatment plan that includes individualized activities to provide yourself with positive health care. One of the most important is learning how to communicate.
Communication
As a codependent, you likely find it hard to communicate, especially about your own needs and wants. Without learning better communication skills, it can be difficult to break free of codependency.
In relationships, communication is a two-way street. You and your partner can learn how to communicate verbally, physically, and electronically so that both of you are respected, heard, and part of the solution. Working with a counselor can teach you this. You can also learn how to handle conflict in a more appropriate fashion.
Most importantly, with positive communication, you can learn to set boundaries.
Boundaries
It is difficult for a codependent person to say "no" to almost any request. That's why you may feel overwhelmed and exhausted often. You fear people will stop liking you if you turn down assisting them in some way.
In counseling, you will learn how to prioritize the activities you want to participate in and how to properly turn down the ones you don't without feeling guilty.
Boundaries are a gift you give to your loved ones and yourself. Healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships and an enjoyable lifestyle.
In conclusion, there are ways you can break codependent habits. Change can happen. And you can start this change today by reaching out to a licensed mental health professional who can teach you more about codependency.