Relationships consist of two people with different backgrounds. Often, they also have different beliefs, values, cultures, careers and life goals. With so many differences, there will be arguments. It is only natural they will differ in how they handle disputes.
One may stuff their feelings and explode later. One may yell and scream every time they become angry. Others threaten to leave the relationship, become physically or verbally abusive or run away. There are numerous wrong ways to handle arguments, and these are just a few.
There are also numerous right ways to handle arguments in a relationship. Finding the one that works for you and your spouse is critical.
Arguments are going to happen in every relationship. Learning how to handle conflict appropriately can take your relationship to the next level. Below are key steps for you and your spouse to figure out how to handle disagreements.
Learn from a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist
One of the quickest and easiest ways to learn how to handle arguments is to meet with a relationship therapist licensed in marriage counseling and family counseling. In just a few sessions, you will have a greater understanding of why you handle conflict the way you do and how to change it.
Therapists can give you tips and steps to follow when disagreements arise in your relationship. You will learn how to stay calm, be heard, and reach a resolution together.
Learn to Compromise
Quite often couples get into conflict and engage in battle until someone wins and someone loses. This does not have to be the way to a solution. You can both win if you learn to compromise. The process of finding a middle ground includes allowing each of you to communicate your needs, listen without interrupting, weigh options and discuss what you want the most. Be fair and think of ways you can make your spouse happy while also making yourself happy. Negotiate calmly until you reach an agreement.
Learn Which Arguments are Worth It
There are times when arguing for what you want is necessary, like creating future goals, budgeting, and raising kids. Other arguments, like what to eat for dinner or watching television, are not worth it.
Rather than fight over the remote or restaurant, use what you learned about compromise. Let your spouse win with the condition that next time, you get to choose.
Learn Your Body’s Anger Signals
You hear people say they go from zero to rage in an instant. Often, this is not true. There are typically signals that were missed leading up to an angry outburst. Learning what your signals are can help you stop anger before it happens.
Racing heart, clenching your jaw, feeling defensive, sweating, stomach ache, nervousness, dizziness, shaking, and headaches are examples of anger cues. Pay attention to your anger cues and when they appear, take action. Tell your spouse you are having cues and talk about possible reasons. Start taking deep breaths and visualize a reversal of cues. Take a brisk walk. Be open with your spouse about how you are feeling and what you need to relax.
Learn to Listen
When you are angry, it is easy to only focus on your feelings, thoughts, and what you will say to your partner. Handling conflict a positive way involves listening to your partner. To be a good listener, allow your partner to speak and pay attention to what they say. Focus on their words so you can reflect and explain to them what you heard them say.
A common problem in relationships is feeling unheard, which makes you feel less valued. Allowing each partner to express themselves freely, without judgment or negative feedback, can help resolve arguments.
Learn the Right Words to Use
Words matter when in the process of conflict. Many couples use the wrong words because they feel hurt or scared. They don’t mean what they say. Learning the right words can change the dynamics of a disagreement.
Avoid using words that threaten your partner in any way. Do not express feelings that are not true. For example, do not say, "I hate you," when you are just feeling hurt. Instead, say, "I feel hurt." Concentrate on expressing how you feel rather than pointing out all the negative points about your spouse. When you use "I" statements, like, "I feel hurt," your spouse will not automatically be put on the defensive because you are not pointing out their faults, making them feel attacked.
Learn When Humor Can Help
Laughter is a great way to diffuse an argument, especially one that seems silly in hindsight. If you and your spouse are arguing over chores, the remote, or who gets the last piece of dessert, find a way to inject some humor.
Laughter is great medicine. Do not hesitate to put a disagreement on hold to watch a comedy show on television. When you go back to the disagreement, you will probably realize it was not worth fighting over in the first place.
Learn to Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries during conflict means agreeing that some lines will not be crossed. For example, you and your spouse can agree never to hit, push, slap, or shove. You may decide never to scream or yell, or you may agree never to walk away when the other is talking.
Even when arguing, you and your spouse should feel safe, loved, and supported. You should never feel threatened that the relationship will end over an argument, or that you will be kicked out of the home, or have the children taken away. Even if these are false claims, they create division in your relationship.
Learn When to Get Outside Support
Every couple benefits from support, either in counseling, support groups, couples coach, or mediators. Getting outside support is a positive move. When you start seeing repetitive arguments or the number of arguments increases, it is time to seek support.
One thing that is worth fighting for is your relationship. Do not give up easily. Use these steps to learn how to handle conflict and get your relationship back on track. You can do this, together.