Relationships are complex and confusing. There are fine lines between helping and enabling, independence and dependence, caring and controlling. Knowing how close you are to this boundary can mean the difference between a healthy and unhealthy relationship. You may find you have codependent characteristics.
Codependency refers to behaviors that lead to one person losing their independence over time. It means the relationship is one-sided. Some people refer to it as relationship addiction.
Ask yourself, “Does meeting the needs and wants of someone else determine my happiness? Do I put meeting the needs of others ahead of meeting my own needs and wants?”
Before you answer, keep reading to learn more about codependency. There are common characteristics you may not realize you have. Review them, then give yourself honest feedback on whether they apply to any of your relationships.
Codependency characteristics influence behavior patterns, including denial, self-esteem, compliance, and control.
Characteristics of Denial Patterns
Denial is a defense mechanism learned early in life. It is the mind's way of protecting you from experiencing feelings like anxiety, depression, pain, fear, and even shame when bad things are happening.
In a codependent relationship, denial can be damaging to your physical and emotional health. Examples of codependent denial characteristics include:
Having difficulty identifying how you are feeling.
Minimizing or denying how you genuinely feel.
Make excuses for the destructive behaviors of the other person in your relationship.
Rationalizing your behavior and their behavior.
Perceiving yourself as unselfish and hero-like for being dedicated to caring for someone else.
Denial is avoidance of reality. The longer you stay in denial, the worse the bad behaviors can become, which will continue to negatively impact your health and all other areas of your life.
Individual therapy, couples therapy, or family therapy can help you determine if you are in denial, and if so, how to overcome it. A licensed therapist can help you recognize defense mechanisms like denial and develop coping skills to replace them.
Characteristics of Low Self-Esteem Patterns
Low self-esteem is not thinking highly of yourself. You have a low opinion of yourself and may even think you are unworthy, unlovable, and undeserving of good things or good relationships. If you have a codependent personality, you may base your self-esteem on the happiness and accomplishments of someone else.
Examples of codependent low self-esteem include:
Finding it difficult to make decisions. You doubt your ability to make the right choice.
Seeking recognition and praise.
Having a hard time recognizing mistakes or apologizing.
Valuing the approval of others.
Judging yourself harshly and talking to yourself negatively, feeling you are never good enough.
Making decisions based on what will make someone else happy.
Fearing rejection and abandonment. You may even stay in bad relationships to avoid being alone.
Low self-esteem can make it hard to say “no” to someone, even if it puts you in a negative predicament. The way to overcome low self-esteem is to get to know yourself better and recognizing your many positive qualities.
You don’t have to do this alone, however. Working with an individual therapist is the best way to boost self-esteem because they have many techniques to help. In a short time, you will start recognizing you are worthy, valuable, and lovable.
Characteristics of Compliance Patterns
Compliance often appears more like a compromise. When you are codependently compliant, you compromise your beliefs, values, and desires to avoid being rejected or abandoned by someone else. You may even put yourself in dangerous situations to make someone else happy.
Examples of codependent compliance include:
Staying in abusive relationships too long.
Taking on the feelings of someone else.
Being fearful of expressing your thoughts and opinions.
Setting aside your wants and needs for others.
Accepting sex when needing to feel loved.
Individual therapy can help you overcome codependency compliance patterns. You can commit to keeping yourself safe, valuing yourself, and make personal changes that lead to positive outcomes. You learn to respect yourself and feel good about your decisions, even when they go against what others want you to do.
Characteristics of Control Patterns
Codependents trick themselves into believing they have power in their relationship. However, it’s an impaired sense of power. Most people with codependency feel they do not have control over their lives, and everything that can happen will happen to them. This stems from a fear of being alienated or left out by loved ones.
Typically, in codependent relationships, the person exhibiting negative behaviors has most of the power.
Examples of codependent control include:
Offering advice even when not asked.
Offering gifts and favors to those you want to impress.
Blaming or shaming others you think need to be exposed.
Refusing to cooperate or compromise.
Using sexuality to get approval or acceptance.
Feeling resentment when others refuse to work with you.
Manipulating outcomes through various attitudes
Believing people cannot take care of themselves.
Codependent personalities try to convince others they have all the answers. They try to influence how others think and feel. In therapy, you learn to embrace differences and let go of the need to control others. You become more authentic and compassionate, which attracts people to you rather than pushes them away.
Characteristics of Avoidance Patterns
Avoidance is an attachment style. Someone with avoidance personality characteristics can be in a codependent relationship even though they fear intimacy and closeness. They pull you in only to push you away.
Examples of codependent avoidance include:
Behaving in ways that cause others to reject you.
Suppressing feelings to avoid vulnerability.
Believing that showing emotions equals weakness.
Communicating in ways that help you avoid conflict.
Thinking or behaving in a way that you need to get them before they get you.
With help, you can quickly learn appropriate conflict resolution to receive positive feedback and acceptance. You can learn healthy boundaries and how to let people get closer to you without feeling vulnerable.
It is never too late to get help. It doesn’t take long to overcome the characteristics of codependency and start enjoying healthy relationships.