How much are you worth? What is your value? Do you like yourself? Do you feel you have a purpose?
Answers to questions like these help you determine if your self-esteem is high, low, or somewhere in between. Your self-esteem directly affects your relationship. Your partner's self-esteem is equally essential.
Low self-esteem, in either of you, can lead to a dysfunctional relationship. Codependency, feeling used, and unappreciated is part of this dysfunction. Unless steps are taken to improve self-esteem, the relationship will suffer.
Sometimes, understanding what self-esteem is not can be a great starting point for change. Here is what you need to know in order to understand how to improve self esteem in relationships.
What Self Esteem Is Not
Self-esteem is not something that can be fixed. But it can be changed. Self-esteem is often mistaken for self-image. They are not the same. Self-image is how you see yourself, kind of like self-concept. This refers to knowing who you are, and how you see yourself in the world, how you want others to view your life.
Self-worth is just as important as self-esteem, but they are not the same. Self-worth is knowing you are a valuable part of the world and worthy of love. Self-confidence is the trust you have in yourself to live successfully in the world. You are confident, or not, in your abilities to solve problems, engage others socially, maintain employment, and meet responsibilities.
Self-esteem is also not self-compassion. However, having self-compassion may be one of the most important tools for improving self-esteem. Self-compassion involves your relationship with yourself. It’s the ability to recognize the needs of your mind and body and meet those needs. Be kind to yourself.
Now that you know what it is not, it is important to understand what self-esteem is.
What Is Self-Esteem?
There has been much research on the factors defining people with high self-esteem. Characteristics include feeling appreciative of yourself. You can assert yourself kindly and appropriately, avoiding being negatively influenced. You can disagree with others respectfully and continue to have positive relationships with those who differ from you.
Self-esteem is not always about yourself. People with high self-esteem want to see others succeed, as well. When you hear of someone else's success, you are genuinely happy for them. You do not have to pretend to be happy for them yet feel envy or anger deep down.
With positive self-esteem, you do not feel the need to change yourself to impress other people, nor do you expect others to change to impress you. You appreciate differences, accept challenges, handle criticism, and solve problems rationally and realistically.
So, how do you increase self-esteem?
There are specific actions you can take to increase self-esteem to a healthy level. Both you and your spouse can work on these both independently and together, as long as there is a healthy balance. Keep in mind; it is hard to truly help someone else until you have helped yourself. Below are ideas on how you can start working on your self-esteem now so that later you can help your partner.
Improving Your Self-Esteem
The first step in improving your self-esteem is to find out for sure if your self-esteem needs improvement.
Evaluation by a licensed marriage and family therapist can give you concrete feedback about your self-esteem. It can help you, and your therapist create a baseline from which to work, developing specific steps so you can benefit from healthy self-esteem.
Be Open to Change. If you get stuck in the thoughts that you do not need improvement, you may be driving a wedge between you and your partner. Everyone can benefit from positive changes. Be able to admit your faults and get excited about the person you are becoming.
Your therapist can help you change negative thought patterns to positive ones. Thought patterns influence feelings, and feelings encourage actions. It’s like a domino effect. Work with a specialist to start at the beginning, implementing positive thinking skills. When this happens, you will begin to see “failures” as “opportunities” for improvement.
Positive Self-Talk is essential because what we say to ourselves, we believe. What we say to ourselves can also influence what we say to others. Self-affirmations are positive statements you tell yourself that are true. The goal is to help you recognize you are valuable and have a lot of good to offer your relationship and the world.
Accepting Your Flaws is a part of improving your self-esteem is to accept you have flaws. No one is perfect. While you are implementing self-affirmations, you can also talk to yourself about all your great flaws. Flaws can be a good thing. They make you unique. They make you stand out.
Rather than try to be perfect, realize you are a great person just the way you are.
Disconnecting Your Stuff From Your Worth will improve your self-esteem. Don’t let things define your worth. Someone driving a fancy car is not more valuable than someone who can’t afford a car. Don’t judge yourself by the things you have or don’t have.
Make Yourself a Priority. Do not feel guilty for taking steps to improve your self-esteem. You must learn to be honest and empathetic with yourself to contribute to your relationship's self-esteem.
Improve the Self-Esteem of Your Relationship
Each person in your relationship needs to understand that the other has needs and wants that should be met and that they may differ from yours.
Couples with high self-esteem can spend quality time alone, as well as together. Independence, shared responsibilities, solving problems, having positive friendships outside the relationship- all should be in a healthy balance.
Learn to set healthy boundaries, express feelings, and use positive communication skills. Learn how to argue appropriately and get results, motivate each other towards positive goals, and get back to enjoying each other.
These skills can be quickly learned with the help of a licensed therapist. Your relationship is worth reaching out for advice and guidance. You and your partner can achieve the goal of creating a happy and satisfying, life-long relationship. Improving self-esteem can help.