When you love someone, whether it is a spouse, parent, other family members, or friends, you want to please them. It feels good to make them happy. In a healthy relationship, your intentions behind your actions are to show your loved one you think they are unique and valued. Your goal is to make them smile.
For some, however, pleasing a loved one means something much different. Your emotional and psychological health is directly connected to a loved one. You adapt your thoughts and feelings based on what you think someone else wants. You lose yourself and your identity, trying to gain approval from another person.
For you, codependency is real.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a behavioral condition often associated with addiction, emotional immaturity, and mental illness. It’s when you feel dependent on someone else for all of your needs, especially emotionally.
Codependent relationships are one-sided, where both members of the relationship work to please only one person, leaving the other person with low self-esteem and insecurities.
There are specific signs of codependency in relationships. Below are seven.
Covering Up For Someone Else’s Bad Behavior
For codependents, the fear of displeasing someone you love is intense. You may feel if they don’t love you, no one will love you. This irrational fear can lead you to make poor decisions, like lying for your loved one when they have broken the law or misbehaved in some way.
You may even put your health or freedom at risk to protect your loved one. Your goal is to please them, no matter what. For some, this may mean taking responsibility and consequences for your partner’s illegal actions.
Unable to Make Decisions
A sign of codependency in a relationship is your inability to make decisions, good or bad. This happens because you fear how your choices will affect the one you love. Even if you make the best decision, you are scared of your partner’s reaction to that decision.
Remember, your goal is to please them. Making a decision without their input is terrifying because you do not know what they prefer. Usually, you allow your partner to make all the decisions. It is just easier that way. If they are happy, you are happy.
Making a decision all by yourself can feel overwhelming and create distress in your life.
Communication Problems
Because you don’t value yourself, you don’t value your contributions to your relationship. Plus, you typically go along with whatever your partner says. You adapt their thoughts and feelings because you aren’t quite sure how to sort your own.
Communication in a codependent relationship is one-sided. You may feel nervous about speaking up or expressing yourself. You may feel your opinion is worthless. Communication can cause stress because you do not want your partner to think you are dumb, and you don’t want to be embarrassed. You may even be fighting those negative inner thoughts telling you to stay quiet.
You Become an Enabler
As mentioned before, codependents often cover up the destructive behaviors of their loved ones. They also become enablers. Not only do you cover up harmful behaviors, you help your loved one continue misbehaving. For example, if your loved one is a drug addict, you likely help them in some way, continue using drugs. You may buy them a cell phone on which they call dealers. You give them money or a place to live. You may even supply their drugs.
Instead, you would put yourself in danger or help your loved one risk their life rather than avoid conflict with them. Like so many enablers, you confuse loving someone with enabling them.
You Don’t Know You
Someone who is codependent in a relationship has not taken the time to get to know themselves. Instead, they have become an attachment to their significant other.
When you entered the relationship, did you leave all your likes, dislikes, dreams, and goals behind? Did you find yourself liking your partner's music, the television shows they like, the food, activities, clothing, even people that they like? If so, you may be codependent.
In healthy relationships, couples can have different likes, dislikes, and even different dreams. It’s also okay to have the same. However, adapting the favorites of your partner simply because you want to please them is not healthy.
Constant Anxiety
Do you often feel anxious and find yourself worried about your relationship? When you are away from your partner, do you spend your time thinking about how you can please your partner? Do you worry about whether or not your partner will end the relationship?
Anxiety-related to codependency can be devastating. It can interfere with your work and other personal relationships. Small bouts of anxiety can lead to increased symptoms, including panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and phobias. Anxiety is a mental health disorder that can lead to negative physical consequences too.
Unable to Set Boundaries
Do you have a hard time saying “No” to requests for your time and efforts? Codependent people often fear how they will be perceived if they reject a request for help. They would rather over-extend themselves than displease someone. Are people able to take advantage of your kindness without the need to show appreciation? These are all signs you have low self-esteem, which is a major sign of codependency.
It is this low self-esteem that keeps you from setting healthy boundaries with everyone in your life.
The Good News
While codependency can have adverse effects on your mental health, it can be fixed. You do not have to live the rest of your life in a codependent relationship. With the help of an individual therapist, you can get to know yourself, learn to love yourself, and reach the goals and dreams you want to have for yourself.
And you can do all of this while also experiencing a fulfilling relationship with someone you love.
Reach out to a local mental health provider today either virtually or by phone to find out more about codependency.