Does someone in your relationships have difficulty identifying their feelings? Do they fear being abandoned? Do they feel responsible for the actions of others? A “yes” answer to any of these questions could mean they are struggling with codependency.
They are not alone.
All relationships have struggles. At any given point, someone in a relationship will be angry, feel a need for approval, miscommunicate feelings, or even have trouble asking for help. However, when these become chronic, they can lead to more significant issues, like codependency.
What is Codependency?
Codependency is a mental health issue that can be passed down from prior generations. For example, if your mother was codependent, she could pass those traits down to you. This is mostly true because codependency is a learned behavior. If you have watched a parent be codependent in their relationships, you may not understand they are unhealthy, and repeat the behaviors in your relationships.
Codependency has been compared to having an addiction to a relationship. The majority of what one does or says seems to focus on the relationship.
Codependency Characteristics
In relationships, those with codependency tend to do more than their share and get hurt when their efforts are not recognized. They often feel guilty when they stand up for themselves or assert their opinion. Codependents fear losing the relationship so deeply that they often do almost anything to hold on to the relationship. At times, this can mean putting up with abuse from their partner.
The following are a few more common characteristics of someone who is codependent: feels guilty or like a bad person when they make a mistake; always worried about what other people think; avoids arguments; tries to control others; and because they struggle saying “no” to requests, are constantly feeling overwhelmed due to taking on so many tasks.
Ultimately, someone in codependent behavior feels their existence depends on their relationship with another person, usually someone very close to them. Examples may include a parent who depends on the successes of their children to make them a success. Another example may be when a wife with low self-esteem stays with her abusive or addicted (or both) spouse, possibly denying her own needs and feelings to please her spouse.
Emotional struggles like anxiety, depression, and high levels of stress accompany codependency.
These are struggles that are fixable, however. Codependency does not have to consume your life any longer. With the help of a licensed therapist, you can learn to overcome codependency in relationships. The very first step when you obtain professional help is to explore the reasons you became codependent in the first place.
Dealing With the Past
You and your therapist do not have to spend a lot of time in the past, but it is vital to figure out what caused you to become codependent. Usually, it is caused by a trauma experienced in childhood. Working with a therapist is critical because in reflecting on your life you will remember painful events that may have led to focusing on relationships or others to take the focus off yourself.
Once you have identified the traumas, you can move forward to the healing process of overcoming codependency in relationships, like practicing self-care and raising self-esteem.
Taking Care of Yourself
Working on yourself is one of the hardest things a codependent does because, for so long, you have focused on others and put your care at the bottom of the list. Working with a licensed professional can help you realize you are worthy and that you can be independently happy.
Practicing self-care involves learning how to set realistic goals, expectations, and boundaries. You will discover there are times when being selfish is beneficial to your relationships. You will have support in facing your relationship fears and gain the confidence to decline requests for help that are not healthy.
Most importantly, you will learn to communicate your feelings appropriately. Positive communication is one of the key factors in overcoming codependency in relationships. This does not mean you will never argue or disagree. It means you will learn how to argue and disagree in an appropriate way, where you both feel heard and work together to find a resolution.
Deal with Addictions
If anyone in your relationship is struggling with an addiction, this must be dealt with immediately. A person can have an addiction to anything: drugs, alcohol, social media, pornography, exercise, and anything else that interferes with your relationship.
Addiction often occurs at the same time as a mental health disorder. In treating the addiction, mental health issues should be dealt with also. If both are not treated, a relapse can occur.
Develop Healthy Love
Codependent people love the people in their relationships. It can be an unhealthy love, however. When overcoming codependency in relationships, you will learn how to love a person in a healthy way. Codependent love can feel scary, uncertain, desperate, and fearful. None of these feelings are healthy in a relationship.
Healthy love feels content and confident. You feel comfortable making a mistake because you know your partner loves you no matter what. You feel comfortable expressing your feelings without worrying; you may disappoint your spouse. You do not fear the threat of losing your partner.
Just because you are becoming less codependent, it does not mean you will no longer do nice things for your partner. You will be doing them for the right reasons.
You will continue to offer support but in an emotionally and physically healthy manner. Support can be given without the need to control or manage them.
In conclusion, overcoming codependency in relationships is doable. If you think codependency may exist in your relationship, there are steps you can take. Spend time researching the topic of codependency. Reach out to a specialist in treating codependency. Get on the same page with your partner and accept that codependency affects your relationship. Acknowledging can be hard but essential.
Finally, put in the effort to overcome codependency in your relationship. You deserve the benefits of a healthy relationship. You can start today by reaching out to a licensed therapist in your area.