14.1 million adults have an alcohol use disorder (AUD), according to a recent study.
If your spouse has a problem with alcohol, you may feel like your marriage is falling apart. Here’s how to stay married to an alcoholic.
In this article, we’re taking a closer look at some of the facts as well as how to stay married to an alcoholic and enjoy your partnership for years to come.
How to Stay Married to an Alcoholic
Alcoholism is often called a family disease, with good reason. The behaviors of the alcoholic affect everyone, including spouses, children, parents and sometimes extended family members and co-workers.
You may be asking yourself if you should leave your alcoholic spouse? Not necessarily, especially if you value the vows of in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until death do, we part.
Alcoholism can wreak havoc on all parts of your life. It can create financial problems, neglect of duties, legal problems as well as friction among family members. The alcohol becomes the number one priority for your spouse, leaving you with feelings of hurt and resentment.
Do you deserve better?
Yes.
Can you have better and stay married?
Yes.
You may be wondering why anyone would want to stay married to an alcoholic. There can be legitimate reasons, starting with the love you have for your spouse. Another possible reason could be that you know alcoholism is a disease of the brain. It is a disease that can be treated when your spouse is ready.
Until then, there are things to keep in mind.
Here’s how to stay married to an alcoholic.
You Are Not the Reason They Drink
An alcoholic spouse may try to come up with many different reasons as to why they drink. They may even try to blame you. You are not the reason they drink. You cannot control, cure or cause their alcoholism.
Alcoholism is a brain disorder that may start out innocently and over time, develop into a destructive force. Understanding alcoholism and educating yourself about the disease can help you understand why your spouse drinks, even if they don’t want to, even if they know it hurts you.
You will find that alcohol manipulates neurotransmitters in the brain and gut. It tells them to send increased amounts of “happy chemicals” throughout the body. They obey and your spouse feels good, better than they have ever felt before.
When they stop drinking, the “happy chemicals” are no longer released in high volume. This leads to your spouse feeling depressed and hopeless. To alleviate these feelings, they drink again. Thus, the cycle begins.
Over time, if your spouse wants to stop drinking, they have extreme difficulty because their brain and body have now become dependent on alcohol. Meaning, they could face serious consequences, like seizures or death, if they quit drinking on their own. So, even they don’t want to keep drinking, they must.
Now that you know this, you no longer need to hold yourself accountable. You can’t control or cure your spouse’s drinking problem. Instead, focus on the things you can do.
Make Yourself a Priority
For too long you have been putting your spouse’s needs ahead of yours. Stop doing that. Assess yourself and if you find you need help with your physical or mental health, get help. Do what you can to improve your health in all areas.
The key is to make yourself stronger so when your spouse is ready to get help, you can be there emotionally and physically.
Enable the Positive
It’s easy to enable an alcoholic. Let’s face it, sometimes it makes more sense to give them what they want so you don’t have to deal with their constant requests. Everyone has enabled someone else at some point so don’t beat yourself up over previous enabling.
Instead, change the way you enable. Every time your spouse does something great, reward them for it. Not with alcohol, of course, but with love and positive gifts.
Enabling the positive means you agree to never enable the negative again. Create an escape plan for yourself for times that your spouse pressures you to help them drink. If they say they need money for food, cook for them. If they say they need money for gas, give them a gas card or fill up their car yourself.
Agree to no longer cover up for your spouse. Don’t make excuses and don’t explain their behavior. Let your spouse answer these questions. Don’t remain silent. Don’t be afraid to talk about your spouse’s alcoholism with others.
Treat this as if it were any other medical issue people aren’t afraid to discuss.
You Can’t Do This Alone
Superheroes are not real. Even though you are a strong person, staying married to an alcoholic is not something you can do without help.
There are many ways you can reach out for support, you may want to start doing these today.
Marriage and family counselors are the perfect professionals to help you succeed. They have years of experience working with couples just like you. They are loaded with tools and techniques that can teach you how to handle the many ups and downs you may encounter.
They can help you have more ups than downs. When your spouse is ready to get help, they can help you find the right treatment center for your spouse and can help you prepare for your spouse’s return.
Furthermore, your marriage therapist can connect you with support groups led by peers who understand your experience.
Create a Safety Plan
There are times when alcohol can change a person’s brain structure. It can turn them from a sweet, lovable spouse to a monster that is abusive.
Your safety is the most important thing when dealing with an alcoholic spouse. To maintain your safety, create a plan and stick to it.
Your therapist can help you create this plan. They can provide you with resources and contacts who can help you when in need.
In conclusion, you can stay in a relationship with your alcoholic spouse. However, the rules of the relationship must change.
The rules must include an eventual plan for your spouse to get sober. Because you are no longer enabling them, and because you are shifting your priorities away from them, your spouse will likely notice the changes and possibly be more open to treatment. This could lead to a chance for a renewal in your relationship. One you both deserve.