If you are married or in a committed relationship, couples therapy should be at the top of your priority list. Not because your relationship is failing or hitting a rough spot, but because you care enough about your relationship, you want to learn all possible ways to make it better.
Couples therapy typically consists of 20 sessions. For some, it may take more or less time, depending on your relationship needs. Statistics show that most couples receiving therapy report an improvement in their relationship. One reason can be attributed to the numerous couples therapy exercises learned and practiced while in treatment. Examples of these exercises are listed below.
1. Eye Contact Exercise
Think about your day, your hectic day. Now think about the time you spend with your spouse each day. What are you doing? Watching television, passing each other in the hallway, eating dinner, or completing chores? How often do you make eye contact and have a conversation? If you are like most couples, not enough.
For this exercise, take five minutes or longer out of your day to make eye contact with your spouse. If you think five minutes seems like an eternity, you need this exercise more than you know. Don’t speak; just look. For the first couple of minutes, your mind may be racing, and you may feel awkward. But take a deep breath, relax, and let your natural thoughts come to the forefront. At the end of five minutes, talk about your thoughts and feelings. Do this exercise daily.
2. Memory Lane
This exercise asks you and your spouse to take a walk down memory lane to revisit some of the best experiences you have had together. Separately, you choose one or two memories of events or happenings that make you smile. Come together and share your memories. Bring pictures or items from the event that can take you back to that time and bring up the emotions you felt back then.
When sharing, talk about everything you can remember that happened that day and in the days before and after. You will find yourself smiling and laughing together, which means you are creating a new, positive memory.
3. Set Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries often get blurred in relationships. You depend on each for many things, and usually, one person feels used and underappreciated. Learning to set healthy boundaries is an exercise you can do together. One exercise for setting boundaries is called DEAR MAN, an acronym for Describe, Express, Assess, Reinforce, Mindfulness, Assert, and Negotiate. Dear Man can help you get what you want in your relationship in a calm, respectful way.
Describe what you want in specific detail. Express yourself through words and body language but also stay in control. Assert yourself without being aggressive by staying calm but stating details. Reinforce by giving your spouse what they want in return. You should both feel like you won.
Mindfulness means avoiding being distracted and getting off track. Stay in the present. Appear confident and believe in the boundaries you are setting. If you ask for something important but pretend like it is not important, others will not take you seriously. Negotiate and be willing to compromise to get what you want.
4. Positive Words
Whether in general or during a heated argument, the words you say can either make things better or much worse. Words are not easily forgotten. When you communicate, make sure you include compliments to your spouse. Learn to make statements from a positive perspective. Negative comments can be changed to an upbeat version that says the same thing.
Thoughts lead to feelings that influence behavior. Translated, negative thoughts lead to negative feelings and behaviors. This also means positive thoughts lead to positive emotions and behaviors.
5. Reflecting Listening
What may be more important than talking in a conversation is listening. Many couples often talk over one another, interrupt, and focus on what they will say instead of listening. Practicing reflective listening means allowing your partner to speak without interrupting them. Don’t think about a response. Just pay attention to their words. When they finish speaking, show you were listening by telling them what you heard them say, reflecting on what they said.
6. Write a Love Letter
Sometimes it is difficult to say all you want to say when you are face to face with your spouse. For some reason, it can feel awkward to give others compliments or statements of love. You may leave a conversation and think about multiple things you forgot to tell them. Writing a letter helps you communicate everything.
Writing a love letter is your opportunity to tell your loved one all the reasons you love them, from when you met until today. After you have written every compliment, you can write your desires for your relationship and each other.
7. Daily Appreciation Notes
Complimenting your spouse happens much less than it should. Some couples go days and weeks without showing appreciation for their significant other. They think their partner should automatically know how they feel. This is not true, however.
Your spouse needs to hear you say, “I love you,” “I appreciate you,” and “thank you,” and so do you. It makes you feel good. Just like saying, “I’m sorry” can end an argument, a compliment or statement of appreciation can prevent a fight. Many arguments begin due to one person feeling undervalued.
Every day, find various ways to show appreciation by sending a note. Write your statement on a sticky note, send a text, email, or social media post. Get creative in how you show love. Your spouse will likely start doing the same for you.
Try Couples Therapy Exercises with Your Partner Today
In conclusion, there are hundreds of couples therapy exercises to improve your marriage. You can have access to all of them by working with a licensed marriage and family therapist, plus direct guidance on using them to enhance your relationship. No matter the stage of your relationship, it will benefit from couples therapy.