Boundaries in a marriage are invisible. There are no actual walls, fences, or lines in the sand. Boundaries are physiological, behavioral, and psychological limits you set for yourself. They answer the question, "How much will I take (or allow to happen) before I become unhealthy?"
Maintaining personal boundaries can be challenging in a marriage because you are so close, and most areas in your life overlap. To have a healthy, long-term relationship, however, you must avoid unhealthy boundaries.
What Are Unhealthy Boundaries?
You may wonder how you can figure out if you currently have healthy boundaries. One way is to evaluate your relationship, yourself, and the person violating boundaries. Below are examples of unhealthy boundaries:
You never say "No." If even when you feel overwhelmed, overbooked, and exhausted, you say "yes" to requests from your partner.
You stay with someone who treats you poorly and refuses to change.
You allow your spouse to make decisions for you.
You constantly try to please your spouse.
You agree with your partner even when deep down you disagree.
You participate in sexual activities even when you don't want to.
You feel guilty when your spouse is unhappy.
You participate in activities that go against your values and beliefs to please your spouse.
You allow your partner to disrespect you or your relationship on social media.
Unhealthy boundaries include anything that puts your needs and wants aside so that another person is satisfied.
What Are Healthy Boundaries?
Healthy boundaries are the thoughts, behaviors, and actions that make your overall health a priority. They let your loved one know that you will not put up with either physically, emotionally, financially, etc.
Having healthy boundaries is not something that magically occurs in some people but not others. You are not born knowing how to prioritize and protect yourself. Throughout your life, you have had experiences that shape your self-esteem. It is a skill that takes time to develop. Working with a licensed marriage and family therapist is the best way to learn new skills that will benefit your relationship. They have specific steps and guidelines that make it easier.
Examples of how to develop healthy boundaries in a marriage include the following:
1. Understand Yourself
If you have healthy or unhealthy boundaries, it is helpful to understand why. To better understand yourself, take time to reflect and acknowledge the events that shaped your life. Someone with unhealthy boundaries may seem needy or desperate for someone to make them feel loved. To others, it may seem like relationship addiction. For example, you fall fast and hard in love only to find out your partner is abusive. This is a form of codependence.
Codependent relationships are not balanced. Both people support the poor behaviors of one. You must figure out why you are codependent before making positive changes. Reasons may include being the victim of sexual or physical abuse, being neglected, or living in a chaotic environment as a child. Once you know your reasons, work through it to move forward.
Therapists use techniques like cognitive-behavioral therapy, trauma-based therapies, and dialectical behavioral therapy. Adding couples counseling during this time will help you and your spouse move forward together.
2. Improve Communication
Effective verbal, physical, electronic, and written communication is crucial for the success of a marriage. Miscommunications lead to a breakdown in trust and divisiveness. Healthy communication leads to healthy boundaries because you can express your needs and feelings without fear or guilt.
Communication is also about listening, reflecting, body language, and using "I" statements rather than pointing fingers.
3. Take Responsibility for You
You are the only one that can make positive changes in your life. You are the only one that can make you truly happy. Setting healthy boundaries in a marriage does not mean punishing your spouse for their destructive behaviors. You may not even be able to make them accept their role in your unhealthy boundaries. That's okay.
As you develop new skills and start changing, what you will allow will change also. Focus on your health and the things you can change, and you will experience improvements.
4. Self-Care
Self-care is not selfish. Engaging in activities keeps your mind, body, and soul healthy. Suppose you enjoy caring for your spouse when they are sick, cooking their favorite meals, or being a good listener when they complain about work. When you are unhealthy, you cannot give your best efforts. A healthy mind and body allow you to be there for your spouse 100% without interference from aches, pains, and negative thoughts.
Self-care consists of anything to improve health, from regular checkups with doctors, getting that massage you've been wanting, or having an hour for privacy and relaxation each day.
5. Conflict Resolution
Arguments happen in every marriage and will continue to happen. It's how you argue that matters. First, physical abuse or violence is never okay. Second, learn conflict resolution skills that help you fight the right way.
Conflict resolution in a marriage is accepting that you and your partner express emotions differently. Sometimes you may react to their emotional expressions rather than the problem at hand, leading to a different fight.
Set Consequences
To develop healthy boundaries, you must plan what to do when your partner doesn't respect your boundaries. What actions will you take? If you don't do anything, you will continue in a codependent relationship. Avoid this by following through with consequences.
For example, if your partner oversteps your boundaries by yelling at you and calling you names, the consequences could involve leaving the room, the home, or the relationship.
6. Ask For Help
Developing healthy boundaries can take time and a lot of practice. Knowing where to start and monitoring your progress can be challenging. You don't have to start setting healthy boundaries alone, however. Reach out to a licensed marriage and family therapist. Doing so will give you the confidence and knowledge to implement healthy boundaries and consequences. You deserve the extra support.