Communication is the process of sharing information. It is a skill with at least three components, including the person with a message, the message itself, and the person or persons who will receive the message. It sounds like a simple process, but it is very complex, involving numerous sub-skills.
Healthy communication consists of effective listening, questioning, processing, and reflecting skills. Nonverbal communication can be just as powerful as words.
For couples, having the right communication skills can build or break down a relationship. Below are nine skills for you and your partner to start working on today.
Improve Listening Skills
Have you ever been talking to someone, looking them eye to eye, but not hearing anything they say? Most people have experienced this. You want to be part of the conversation, but the many other thoughts and distractions running through your mind prevent you from truly listening.
Improve your listening skills by being present and aware of the conversation. Remove distractions like cell phones, television, computers, games, etc. Prepare your mind and space for listening. When the conversation starts, pay attention. Use reflection, nodding, and feedback to prove you are listening.
Even if you hear something you do not like, avoid becoming defensive or angry so you can continue to hear what is being said. When your spouse is finished making their statement, respond without judgment but with honesty.
Learn Your Spouse’s Communication Style
You and your spouse are two different people. You likely have different backgrounds, cultures, likes, dislikes, and even goals. You also have different communication styles. You may have been raised to yell and scream, get it out, and then move on. Your partner may have learned to shut down and hide emotions.
To learn your spouse’s communication style, ask them and observe their reactions. You and your spouse can figure out which approaches work, do not work, and which you prefer. Then, you must practice using the chosen style of communication.
Avoid “You” Statements
“You did not help me!”, “How about you cook for a change?”, “What is wrong with you?”
Using statements like this makes your spouse feel attacked. Their emotions may get in the way of resolving the conflict. Instead, use “I feel” statements, including how their behavior made you feel. For example, “I feel overwhelmed when I have to cook every night” or “It hurts my feelings when you don’t help me.”
“I” statements help you reach a solution quicker and more effectively than pointing the finger at the other person.
Set Boundaries
When communicating with your spouse and others, boundaries keep everyone feeling safe and respected. It is like an invisible line that you cannot cross.
You and your spouse must talk about the boundaries you need while communicating. Do not try to guess where those invisible lines are. Instead, verbalize them during a time when you are not arguing. You can practice setting communication boundaries by saying “no” more often, asking to take a break, and being assertive.
Make Eye Contact
Making eye contact can feel awkward but an essential part of communication. It shows you are listening, that you empathize with your partner, and makes it easier to understand how your spouse is affected by what they say. Getting used to making eye contact takes practice. You and your spouse can set aside a few minutes each day to practice making eye contact. See how long you can go without looking away. When making eye contact, think of the positive traits of your spouse.
Dialectical Behavioral-Therapy
Diabolical therapy or DBT is a form of talk therapy or cognitive behavioral therapy that helps you become more aware and present at the moment. Many couples are taught the DEAR MAN exercise when using DBT to set healthy boundaries. DEAR MAN stands for the following:
D- describe the situation accurately
E- express how you feel using “I” statements
A- assert and let them know your needs and wants
R- reinforce that there are benefits for both of you when you get your wants and needs met
M – mindfulness or staying focused on the conversation and avoiding distractions
A – act confident even if you must fake it till you make it
N – negotiate and be willing to compromise and avoid being demanding
Mirroring
Mirroring helps couples constantly feel like they are not being heard or listened to by their partner. This activity allows your partner to communicate what they want to say openly. Periodically, stop them and share what you have heard them say to that point. Repeat back to them a summary of what you heard.
Continue with the activity if your partner agrees that you heard them correctly. Then, switch speakers and listener roles.
Write It Down
Sometimes the best form of communication is written. In this activity, you and your partner each get a piece of paper and a pen. Separately, write down three to five things you love about your spouse and three to five things you wish you could change about your spouse. When finished, share them.
You must have an open mind, realize you are not perfect and can always improve, and become eager to make improvements for the person you love. When giving feedback, be respectful, gentle, and focus on how their behaviors make you feel rather than appear accusatory or demeaning.
Replace Negative Language
Negative language can be like, “This meal is terrible” or “I hate it when you come home late from work.” Learning to replace negative words with positive language will significantly improve the outcomes of your communication with your partner.
Try these instead: “I enjoyed the chicken casserole you made last week.” Or “I feel worried when you aren’t home on time.”
If you and your spouse struggle to practice communication skills on your own, reach out to a licensed marriage and family therapist. They can help you with these exercises and many more. You can call today to get started.