Every marriage has risk factors and protective factors. Risk factors can lead to a relationship breakdown, and protective factors build it up. Studies show good communication is one of the top protective factors in healthy marriages. So, why aren’t more couples doing it?
Lack of communication happens for many reasons, such as not seeing each other all day. Many couples spend more time away from home than enjoying the environment they’ve worked so hard to create. Letting your feelings build-up, like resentment, can hinder communication. You may think you are helping by avoiding an argument, but this is not true. You are delaying a later confrontation.
Other communication issues occur due to finances, feeling betrayed or neglected, parenting, chores, and much more. You may find yourself yelling and fighting over issues that would never have been an issue at one time.
Communication and listening in a marriage are fixable problems that you can start working on today. Below are reasons you should make this a priority.
Improve Your Physical Health
Communication problems in a marriage are connected to poor physical health. Stress leads to your body being in a constant state of fight or flight. Inflammation and an increase in the release of stress hormones that set out to fight stress may actually weaken your immune system and lead to weight gain and physical aches and pains.
You already have enough stress from fulfilling work and home responsibilities. Being with your spouse should alleviate that stress, not increase it. When you start implementing healthy communication skills, you will notice physical health improvements.
Improve Your Mental Health
Physical health influences mental health and vice versa. If one is unhealthy, so is the other. Signs of mental health issues include crying for no apparent reason, mood swings, being easily agitated, overeating, or emotional eating that leads to weight gain. If left untreated, mental health issues can interfere with daily functioning.
Most people need help from a licensed mental health professional to create a plan for improving mental and physical health. Just a few steps lead to significant improvements.
Improve Your Financial Status
Couples who communicate effectively work as a team when it comes to money. Financial problems and not communicating about money is one of the top, if not the top, reasons for division in marriage. It leads to financial infidelities, such as hiding purchases from your spouse or lying about spending habits. According to studies, the more debt you are in, the more arguments you will have with your spouse. Couples with healthy communication can set money goals and work together to reach those goals.
Improve Your Intimacy
If you and your spouse are experiencing communication problems, you are likely also experiencing intimacy problems. You may be drifting apart, and being romantic brings up feelings of resentment rather than bringing you closer together.
Remember the beginning of your relationship when you couldn’t stay away from each other or keep your hands off each other? You communicated about everything back then to get to know one another better. Over time, you’ve acquired more responsibilities at home and work that get in the way of your relationship. This can be an alert to inspire changes.
Get to know each other again. Make your relationship a priority.
Improve Your Listening Skills
When you hear the word “communicate,” you may picture yourself talking to someone. Talking is a part of good communication. However, listening skills are essential.
Listening is hearing a message, interpreting it, and reflecting on what was said. Listening requires you to pay attention, offer feedback, and let your spouse know that you heard what they are saying through your actions and words.
Start improving listening skills today. Ask your spouse questions that show you care about them rather than have a superficial conversation about how the day went. For example, ask, “What can I do to help you relax tonight?” or plan a date night together. What you talk about is not as crucial as your listening skills.
Improve Nonverbal Messages
Words aren’t the only way you communicate with your spouse. Nonverbal communication says just as much, especially when arguing. When you are with your spouse, are your arms crossed or open? Are you facing your spouse or positioned away from them? Do you look them in the eye when you pass in the hallway? Do you end a text or email with a loving statement? Do you hold hands in private or public?
These forms of nonverbal communication are small action steps that lead to big results in how you communicate.
Improve Relationship Responsibility
You and your spouse each have responsibility for communication and the overall health of your relationship. Many couples encounter a problem when they focus on what the other person has done wrong. When arguing, they point the finger and blame their spouse for what he or she did not do right.
Healthy communication means shifting the focus onto yourself. Replace the word “you” with “I” in your conversations. Here are some examples of how to rephrase statements:
Poor Communication: “You don’t do anything to help me. You get to sit on the couch and watch tv while I clean and cook and do the chores.”
Good Communication: “It hurts my feelings when I am taking care of the chores alone.”
Your spouse does not want to hurt you. By expressing your feelings rather than pointing out their negative behaviors, your spouse is more likely to want to help. Furthermore, when you start responding to your spouse differently, they will react differently, and vice versa. If you don’t engage in a fight, there is no fight.
In conclusion, there are many more actions you can take to improve communication and listening in marriage. The quickest, most efficient way is to work with a licensed marriage and family therapist. They can create a plan that is personalized for your relationship. Your relationship deserves the help and the rewards that will follow.