The Gottman Institute shares significant statistics on couples therapy, like 70% of relationships see long-lasting, positive changes. Whether you want to improve communication, trust, financial issues, parenting, or want to learn more about one another, a couples therapist can help.
Couples therapy offers many benefits at any stage in your relationship. Besides learning new skills from a licensed and trained professional, you get the time and attention your relationship deserves in a safe, confidential, nonjudgmental environment.
What Exactly Is Couples Therapy?
Couples therapy occurs between you, your partner, and the therapist. You and your partner attend therapy sessions at the same time. However, you will be working on improving individual characteristics. Think of your relationship as a system made of two parts. When both parts are healthy, your system runs great. If one part breaks, the system cannot function.
Couples therapy sessions include sessions where you attend with your spouse and could also possibly include individual sessions. The goal is to heal and improve you as an individual, so your overall relationship can thrive.
Many people refer to therapy as a place where you can truly express yourself and say anything. While this is true, there are some statements you should not say in couples therapy, like the examples below.
“I Don’t Need Therapy, You Do”
The truth is that every couple can benefit from therapy. You don’t have to be struggling or headed for divorce to seek therapy. You can always learn something new about yourself and your relationship by participating in behavioral treatments that explore how thoughts influence behaviors.
The stigma around talking with a therapist is fading, and more people realize that counseling is like taking an educational course in which the topic is you. The skills you learn help you become the best you possible.
“I’ll Give This One Session”
Some people are hesitant to try therapy and find themselves saying they will quit if they don’t see significant changes in one session. That is an unfair threat because your relationship issues did not develop overnight and can’t resolve in one session.
The first session in couples counseling is when you get to know your therapist, discuss the therapeutic process, and set goals. Couples counseling is one of the briefest treatments, usually between six and ten sessions. Couples counseling can also be more lengthy depending on the issues as well as how long the issues have been occurring and not dealt with. Commit to attending all sessions. You will see minor improvements after each one.
“You, She, He, They”
Words are powerful. The moment you point the finger by complaining about what your partner does wrong, they get defensive. It is a natural yet ineffective response. Instead of pointing out your partner’s faults, tell them how their behavior makes you feel. In couples therapy, you can learn how to make “I” statements that lead to change.
The focus of couples counseling is on you making positive changes that enhance your marriage. You cannot change anyone else. Therefore, blaming and shaming your partner are ineffective actions that do more harm than good.
The only way to truly change someone else and the relationship dynamics is to change how you react to them. If your partner is angry and tries to engage in an argument, you have two choices. You can engage in what you know will end poorly, with unnecessary hurt. Or you can disengage until you are both calm and rational enough to have a productive conversation. It is hard to fight alone.
“Don’t Tell My Partner”
Hiding information from your spouse will damage the relationship. Not telling your partner something is the same as lying to them. To ask your therapist to lie for you will cause further damage. Plus, your therapist will be left feeling awkward around your spouse if they know a secret. They must remain a neutral part of the therapy without taking sides. My approach is to advise couples who have secrets to gain comfortability within individual sessions with the goal of gaining comfort to disclose to their spouse in couples therapy.
Instead, work with your therapist to find ways to tell your spouse information they may find difficult to hear. You can role-play and practice different outcomes to prepare. Once you share your secret, you and your spouse can process it in therapy with guidance from the professional.
You may be wondering about confidentiality and the privilege of it between client and therapist. This is true, and it does exist. However, when trying to improve your relationship, not sharing some vital information can be detrimental to your marriage.
“I’m Done, I Want Out”
When you are hurt, angry, frustrated, or even fearful, it is natural to want to escape. It is a coping mechanism, although not very effective. Some spouses say, “I want a divorce,” which is the opposite of what they want. They are hurting and don’t know how to work through their feelings. An instinct is to try and make their spouse hurt too.
If this sounds familiar, know that you are not alone. In couples therapy, you can learn how to stop reacting this way and instead learn how to use your feelings positively.
Honesty is essential in healthy relationships and couples therapy. Suppose you are considering getting out of the relationship after completing treatment. In that case, you must be honest with your partner and allow your therapist to help you through the process of separating.
Don’t Let Your Body Speak For You
Ever heard the saying, “If my mouth is not saying it, my body is”? Sometimes your body language speaks louder than your voice. When frustrated or mad, you may sit with your legs and arms crossed, a sign of closing yourself off from everyone else. Eye rolls, head shaking, not looking someone in the eye when they are talking, staring inappropriately, and invading their space are examples of body language to avoid in couples therapy.
You may think you can avoid conflict by not saying what’s on your mind, and your feelings will find a way to be expressed.
After learning what not to say in couples therapy, you can focus on the enormous list of things you can say. Start working with a couples therapist today by reaching out online or by phone. Your relationship deserves it.